SOME MIND TICKLINGS

Do you love obscure facts that amaze you and five minutes later are forgotten? Well, here are some major facts to forget and some minor thoughts from me to discard.
Conception occurs more often in December than in any other month. Gives a whole new meaning to Christmas gifts, doesn’t it?
Half of all Americans live 50 miles from their birthplace, while the ones from central Pa. live closer. We just never seem to want to leave home.
The most popular name boat owners call their boats is Obsession. The least popular is probably The Titanic.
If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count until you found the letter “A”? Well to begin with, I just wouldn’t do that. I’d find something on TV to watch first. But if you did, it’d be 1,000.
Man can read smaller print than women, but women can hear and smell better. Women definitely smell better than smelly old men and they can hear a man’s thoughts when he looks at another woman, which is why they yell, “I know what you’re thinking. So stop it!”
The only food that doesn’t spoil is honey, but if you spoil your honey she’ll reward you later.
Women invented bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers. Men invented the forward pass for football and to hit on women.
There are more collect calls on Fathers Day than on any other day of the year. And yes, we always accept the charges. Hey, the kids could need some quick cash sent.
Coca-Cola was originally green and probably called Chlorophyll Cola and proclaimed a vegetable.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. But I don’t have any hair. Oh, that explains so much.
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to age 11 is $6, 400. The result: Priceless.
Now for some minor thoughts that are also shallow.
If you buy somebody a lottery ticket as a present, chances are you’ll be scared that it’ll win big and they won’t share it with you. Then their life becomes so much better, while yours stays the same, only much bitterer.
The slowest thing in the world for the average man is the average woman shopping. A woman can actually go minus 10 miles per hour when she backtracks to see what she may have missed in the store.
If you do something stupid, like fall over your own feet, it’ll probably be in front of people who know you because strangers wouldn’t appreciate it as much.
Trusting everyone you meet is like going thru life with your shoelaces untied. You’ll be in for more trips than the Enron CEO before the fall.
If it’ll make you rich quick, it’ll make you poorer quicker.
Honesty is the best policy if you’re caught in a lie and can’t get out of it any other way. Yet even then, politicians still lie.
Fill up the calendar of your life with moments, not meetings.
If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and sue them. It’s the American way.
How come no one can find Osama Bin Laden with a $25 million reward on his head, but a telemarketer can catch you every time you’re soaking wet and coming out of the shower with a 20-buck magazine offer?
Your days may drag, but the years fly by.
If it ain’t broke, break it. This recession economy needs you to buy more stuff.
No matter what bad rash decisions you make in life, you can always back them up with unrelated facts and misplaced feelings.
If you rob Peter to pay Paul, then change your name to Enron and seek special Presidential considerations.
Dolphins don’t swim in the dessert and the speed limit is just a suggestion on I-95 going down to Florida. Just ask Pedro at South of the Border.
The childhood game of Jacks is a metaphor for life. You throw everything you’ve got up in the air and then see what you can catch. And hope it’s not herpes.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then what can keep the lawyers at bay? A peach and a pair of magnum 45s?
All the world’s a stage…one emergency. So where do we send our troops next?
Red sky in the morning sailor’s warning. Red sky at night- the ship’s on fire.
Today if you eat at working moms you’ll get nuked leftovers and Tater Tots.
Food will always fall from your fork, no matter what a big mouth you are. You can be as careful as a cop defusing a bomb and it’ll still land on your clothes. It’s de law of food supply and de land.