Dr. Hamas (swear to God) told me that only one in 1,000 colonoscopies perforate the colon. That’s wonderful, unless your doctor has done 999 just before yours. Now Hamas is an extreme Moslem terrorist group and I remember from my Air Force days in Turkey that you don’t shake hands with a Moslem with the hand you wipe yourself with, because it’s considered unclean.
But I couldn’t remember which one I use, so I put out my right hand, then my left. I was so confused I head butted him instead. To get on his good side just before the operation I shouted “Allah is great! Death to America!”
After the procedure, which took out two benign polyps I affectionately named Grumpy and Sponge Bob, the good doctor asked me a battery of questions because he said he was obsessive. I comically suggested “Anal obsessive?”
He smiled weakly, but his nurse laughed out loud and quickly told another nurse, who also cackled. But to Dr. Hamas by then, I was just another asshole.
After doing wheelies down the hall in the wheelchair they put me in to leave, I wanted to roll down the steep hill outside the hospital till the nurse shouted “NO!”
Colonoscopies are way fun!!
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