FACEBOOKING 4 THOUGHTS OF THE DAY

Bill Roddey: We're all born with a death sentence. Merry Christmas everyone!

There was a flash mob in our little town square last night. Two drunks showed up to fight and swear at each other to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing on a car radio that passed by briefly.

You can lead a horse to water or just bring him a cup of water. Save yourself some time and tugging.

I lost two facebook friends recently. I'm not sure why. Probably the usual reasons- neglect and sexual asphyxiation.

I finally found my place in the universe. I'm an expanding gas belch in the youngest supernova in the Milky Way which blew about 140 years ago. Thanks Hubble telescope.

I can't control the big things in life like terrorist attacks, hurricanes hitting my house and why people never show me the love, so I concentrate on the petty things like wrinkles in my ascot and demanding ribs in my McRib sandwich.

The sun stares down on me like a scorned lover.

Have you ever held a flutter by butterfly in your hands and, mistaking it for a Butterfinger, ate it? Have you ever watched the half moons on your fingernails setting and shrinking and thought you were dying, only to discover you were drunk? Have you ever wept when Jeffrey, the robot, gets crestfallen in the cafeter...ia in the Intel Processor (Bum...Bum Bum Bum Bum) commercial? No, me neither.

Don't you hate conversations where you say "Hi.", then 30 minutes later you say "Bye." and those were the only two actual words you uttered?

Did you know that you're not the King of Anything? says the Queen of Everything.


World leaders come and go, Presidents only last 8 years, religious founders pop up then poop out, but real immortality like that of John Lea and William Perrins last forever. Because those two British chemists invented Lea and Perrins' Worcestershire sauce in 1837 and I soaked my sirloin in it last night. And I haven't even mentioned Ed McIlhenny's Tabasco sauce that's been keeping us hot and spicy since 1868.


You can never out kneel a nun. Don't even try.

She's a porn star, not a a hooker. For God's sake people, get that straight already. So that makes Charlie Sheen her co-star, not just another john. There could be an Academy Award in here cum the Oscars.

Charlie Sheen had a bad reaction to drugs- Viagra and Spanish fly. That's all.

At a Bruce Springsteen concert, all his songs start the same...ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!


The sun will shine tomorrow. The radio alarm will go off at 6 a.m. People will laugh at work. We'll eat lunch. We'll watch TV. We'll pet our dog and cats. Even though it's Jack Roddey's birthday, he won't turn 16 tomorrow. And that'll make it the saddest day of the year.

The seagulls soar over the Atlantic City boardwalk mocking our fevered casino dreams of instant wealth and dive for the odd half eaten junk food castaway.

Life is but a dream...with pee breaks.

The night curles around me like a lover with cold feet and long piercing toe nails.

Death- when the warranty on your birth certificate expires.

The fine print on my birth certificate said "Not valid in the hereafter or at tupperware parties. So if that's what you're here after, find someone else."


In my long life I've known many great dogs, but only a few great people.

I dreamed I was dreaming and never woke up again.

Strawberry Fields was a Salvation Army orphanage in Liverpool, England and that's where the Beatles got the name for their song "Strawberry Fields Forever". Also the Eleanor Rugby football team in Liverpool was the inspiration for the Beatles' hit song "Eleanor Rigby".
That last factoid was a lie, in lieu of a joke.


Andy Dick must have deleted me from his Facebook friends. Should I be mad, sad or relieved? How 'bout jubilant?

They're remaking Bonnie Tyler's 1985 hit song "I Need a Hero" with a Philadelphia spin and renaming it "I Need a Hoagy".


Have you ever kissed a dog and made it cry? Have you ever talked to yourself and been snubbed? Have you ever taken a pulse, forgotten to give it back and killed that person? Have you ever been at your wit's end and channeled Oscar Wilde? Pink wants to know.


I think my cat is judging me, especially when I'm naked. OK, OK already, I won't have that second doughnut. HAPPY!?? At least, my dog accepts me for what I am.


The British owner of Segway segues into death on his Segway.


Love makes the world go round. It's something to do with top spin.


Life is a snapshot, then it fades out of focus.


Have you ever jumped to conclusions and suffered a concussion from hitting your head on a tissue of lies? Have you ever made a promise you'd never keep for sex or a beer? Have you ever lied in your prayers for money? Pink wants to know.



Future taste sensation- chocolate barbequed bacon! With a hint of cinnamon pecan. Come on America, you can do it.


Texting during sex is tacky, honey.



We toil in obscurity and make a very little impression on people, us bed bugs do.


Sometimes arguing with a woman is like trying to hold back erosion with your thumbs. You're just digging a hole for yourself like the Grand Canyon, which was caused by erosion.


I'm beside myself. So now I can't fit into my La-Z-Boy. Damn!

Conversation just after pulling into a spot in the Taj Mahal casino parking lot in Atlantic City. "Hey, are you coming or going?" "Coming, I haven't lost any money yet." "Are we close?" "I don't know, we just met." "No, I meant the roof of my SUV clearing the roof of this garage. Are we close?



What the world needs now is a time release martini.


Have you ever petted a tarantula to death? Have you ever seen a beautiful sunrise that made you vomit? Have you ever had to go to a Mob loanshark from the Mafia Wars to buy fertilizer for FarmVille? Have you ever lost your virginity to a turtle...twice? Have you ever saved someone from drowning, then thrown him back... because you didn't like him all that much? Have you ever burped up toe jam? ...Yeah, me too.