FOUR TOP TEN LISTS ABOUT CRAZY RUNNING MATE SIGNS
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR RUNNING MATE IS CRAZY
10.He has Charles Manson on speed dial.
9. He gets his wife to bite his toe nails for him
8. He calls the hump on his back Mr. Toodles.
7. Claims his vagina can whistle "Dixie".
6.Insists on chewing other peoples’ food in restaurants.
5. Claims that Martians have landed in his head and are making him dance like a duck.
4. Due to penis envy, once shot a horse in Reno.
3. Was a dung beetle in a previous life.
2. Is an Adolph Hitler impersonator.
1. Loves Paris Hilton movies.
10. Believes that we should next invade Scranton.
9. Wants National Health Care for beavers.
8. Smokes filtered dog turds.
7.Believes the reason she’s cold all the time is because she’s bi-polar
6. Her gerbil, Karl Rove, convinced her to run.
5.Takes her baths in prune juice to keep herself regular
4.Runs in squares ( instead of circles)
3.The voices in her head hear voices reciting the dialogue from “The Love Guru.”
2.Thinks that Hillary Clinton was the first black president.
1. Dresses up as Judas for Christmas.
MORE TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR RUNNING MATE IS CRAZY
10. Gives speeches in Klingon.
9. Wonders why the Democrats went to John Denver for their convention.
8. Thinks John McCain has a funny sounding name, but not Barrack Obama
7. His campaign slogan is Make Madonna, Not War.
6. Says he only has one house, but it’s the International House of Pancakes
5. Claims he’s John Edwards’ love child in another life.
4. His extensive military background comes from seeing "Tropic Thunder" over ten times.
3. Has campaigned against sub prime ribs
2. Is fluent in gangster rap
1. Wants to leave his wife for you.
10. Wants to change the National Anthem to “Wild Thing, I think I love you.”
9. Called a press conference to announce she was breaking up with Jennifer Aniston, even though she’s never met her.
8. Is working hard to get vampires the right to vote. They already have the right to bite.
7. Has only campaigned in the chartreuse states.
6.Wants to bomb Vietnam
5. Always wears a track suit and sneakers because she’s the running mate.
4. Says she's channeling Nancy Reagan, who isn’t dead yet.
3. Put a plywood plank in her party’s platform
2. Believes marriage can only be between a man and a monkey
1. Bruce Springstein wrote “Born to Run” just to make her run.
Wednesday, August 27
Monday, August 25
IDIOT BOSSES
“WILL DO, BOSS.” (YOU IDIOT!) By Bill Roddey
At times you may think you’re better than your boss and that you’re actually smarter than he or she is. Sometimes, occasionally, you are smarter. But what if you feel that way all the time? What if you feel your boss is, well, just too bossy?
If that’s the case, your boss may be ABS, Arrogant, But Stupid. I believe this condition is rampant and spreading, based on all the infamous indictments and convictions of shamelessly dumb CEOs, CFOs and a certain white House staffer, who shall remain nameless.
OK, OK, you twisted my arm, it’s Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney’s chief of staff, who allegedly was arrogant enough to think he knew best when lying to a federal grand jury, but was allegedly stupid enough to give the federal prosecutor his personal notes contradicting his sworn testimony, thus proving he had lied. It’s ABS, ladies and gentlemen.
Aside from the notorious cases of Arrogant, But Stupid bosses, I’ve seen ABS around locally lately, for the first time since I was in the Air Force in 1970. I remember a Sgt. then, with the thought processes of a rotting head of lettuce, who had one more stripe than me, bossing me around like he was a Major General, because he could.
If your boss is Arrogant And Smart, AAS, you can almost accept the arrogance, even though it’s as hard to swallow as a peanut butter basted bowling ball, because the results of your boss’ decisions are good. You have a more efficient better business with profits up, proving that the boss is smarter than the average bear, Boo Boo.
But with an ABS boss, everyone can see the place is going to hell in a hand basket, designed by a knock-off Martha Stewart. The Arrogant, But Stupid boss creates turmoil with almost every decision he or she makes because everybody from the supervisors to the guy filling the soda machine can see how dumb the decisions are.
Sheer stupidity shines like a flawed cubic zirconium diamond, like scoring a touchdown for the opposing team, like proudly displaying a potato shaped like a potato or like telling your wife she’s too fat while wooing her for a romantic interlude.
When your Arrogant, But Stupid boss is confronted with the pungent dumbness of his or her decisions, the response probably will be “It’s my business and I’ll do what I want, when I want! No one can tell me what to do!”
Logic, commonsense and probing debate will only get you stares, glares and disgust at your obvious inability to see the big crooked picture. You may be asked to leave the office immediately, as if you emitted a fowl odor that needs to dissipate in a larger space, outside the inner sanctum.
Even with nagging and brown nosed begging an ABS boss somehow makes you feel stupid enough to start questioning your own intelligence and good grades in business school.
That is, until you see the ultimate consequences of your boss’ dumb decisions. Even though the office morale is lower than GM’s junk bond status and the staff is at each other’s throats like starving jackals with all the extra work and confusion created, your boss is moving on to his next problematic proclamation. Your ABS boss seems to be swept along on a wave of success that will never crash and send everyone face first into the sand.
The most frustrating thing about ABS bosses is their utmost contentment, like they’re too dumb to have a worry furrow their brow. They seem oblivious to all the problems they’re creating and thrilled that people are talking about them.
They’re making their smudged marks on the world. They’re the head honchos who don’t have to follow the dumb decisions of their former bosses anymore, whose word is law, until they’re fired, indicted or promoted.
BALD AIN'T BEAUTIFUL A book of my best newspaper humor columns, comic poems and two award winning short stories from over 26 years , available on Amazon.com
At times you may think you’re better than your boss and that you’re actually smarter than he or she is. Sometimes, occasionally, you are smarter. But what if you feel that way all the time? What if you feel your boss is, well, just too bossy?
If that’s the case, your boss may be ABS, Arrogant, But Stupid. I believe this condition is rampant and spreading, based on all the infamous indictments and convictions of shamelessly dumb CEOs, CFOs and a certain white House staffer, who shall remain nameless.
OK, OK, you twisted my arm, it’s Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney’s chief of staff, who allegedly was arrogant enough to think he knew best when lying to a federal grand jury, but was allegedly stupid enough to give the federal prosecutor his personal notes contradicting his sworn testimony, thus proving he had lied. It’s ABS, ladies and gentlemen.
Aside from the notorious cases of Arrogant, But Stupid bosses, I’ve seen ABS around locally lately, for the first time since I was in the Air Force in 1970. I remember a Sgt. then, with the thought processes of a rotting head of lettuce, who had one more stripe than me, bossing me around like he was a Major General, because he could.
If your boss is Arrogant And Smart, AAS, you can almost accept the arrogance, even though it’s as hard to swallow as a peanut butter basted bowling ball, because the results of your boss’ decisions are good. You have a more efficient better business with profits up, proving that the boss is smarter than the average bear, Boo Boo.
But with an ABS boss, everyone can see the place is going to hell in a hand basket, designed by a knock-off Martha Stewart. The Arrogant, But Stupid boss creates turmoil with almost every decision he or she makes because everybody from the supervisors to the guy filling the soda machine can see how dumb the decisions are.
Sheer stupidity shines like a flawed cubic zirconium diamond, like scoring a touchdown for the opposing team, like proudly displaying a potato shaped like a potato or like telling your wife she’s too fat while wooing her for a romantic interlude.
When your Arrogant, But Stupid boss is confronted with the pungent dumbness of his or her decisions, the response probably will be “It’s my business and I’ll do what I want, when I want! No one can tell me what to do!”
Logic, commonsense and probing debate will only get you stares, glares and disgust at your obvious inability to see the big crooked picture. You may be asked to leave the office immediately, as if you emitted a fowl odor that needs to dissipate in a larger space, outside the inner sanctum.
Even with nagging and brown nosed begging an ABS boss somehow makes you feel stupid enough to start questioning your own intelligence and good grades in business school.
That is, until you see the ultimate consequences of your boss’ dumb decisions. Even though the office morale is lower than GM’s junk bond status and the staff is at each other’s throats like starving jackals with all the extra work and confusion created, your boss is moving on to his next problematic proclamation. Your ABS boss seems to be swept along on a wave of success that will never crash and send everyone face first into the sand.
The most frustrating thing about ABS bosses is their utmost contentment, like they’re too dumb to have a worry furrow their brow. They seem oblivious to all the problems they’re creating and thrilled that people are talking about them.
They’re making their smudged marks on the world. They’re the head honchos who don’t have to follow the dumb decisions of their former bosses anymore, whose word is law, until they’re fired, indicted or promoted.
BALD AIN'T BEAUTIFUL A book of my best newspaper humor columns, comic poems and two award winning short stories from over 26 years , available on Amazon.com
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