Friday, September 25

THE FIRST REALITY TV COMMERCIAL

(sfx: Some kind of jingle)

ANNCR: Since reality TV shows continue to be popular and may become even more so. Here is the inevitable first reality TV commercial.

THE VOICE: Thank you for calling Verizon. Are you calling about phone number 717-242-9954?

ROD: Yes.

THE VOICE: I did not understand. Are you calling about 717-242-9954?

ROD: Yes I am, doll face.

THE VOICE: 718-954-7694?

ROD: (Sternly) No, 717-242-9954.

THE VOICE: 749-345-9876?

ROD: (Getting angry) No, you got it right before.

THE VOICE: 444-444-4444?

ROD: (Exasperated) No, not all fours. You got it right the last time.

THE VOICE: 999-999-9999?

ROD: (Yelling) No, 717-242-9954. 717-242-9954.

THE VOICE: 717-242-9954?

ROD: (Relieved) Yes, sweet Jesus! Yes.

THE VOICE: OK, to get you to the right place, please indicate. Are you calling about billing and payments, tech support, adding new products or other?

ROD: Tech support.

THE VOICE: Billing and payment?

ROD: What? No, tech support.

THE VOICE: Adding new products?

ROD: (Yelling now) Tech support!! Tech support!!

THE VOICE: Jock support?

ROD: Wha? Are you kidding me?

THE VOICE: I don’t understand the question.

ROD: (Screaming) TECH SUPPORT!! TECH SUPPORT!

THE VOICE: You don’t have to shout, sir.

ROD: But I did have to. (Taken aback) Say, are you a real person?

THE VOICE: OK, tech support. Do you need help with DSL, telephone service or neither?

ROD: DSL

THE VOICE: Come again.

ROD: DSL

THE VOICE: Telephone service?

ROD: (Shouting again) DSL. DSL!

THE VOICE: Go to hell?

ROD: What did you say, you…..

THE VOICE: You want connected to telephone service.

ROD: (Yelling ) NO, NO NO!! I want to talk to a real person. Customer service! Customer service!

THE VOICE: I’m connecting you to telephone service.

ROD: (Out of control) CUSTOMER SERVICE! CUSTOMER SERVICE! CUSTOMER SERVICE!

THE VOICE: If this is not right, please press 5 to return to the main menu.

ROD: (Totally out of control now screaming) It’s not right! It hasn’t been right since I made the damn call. You ass wipe stains on civilization! You rectum robots! You dickless sons of whores! You sodomite salad shooters !

ANNCR: Spend the day getting to know us better. We’re here to help you with all your communication needs, both mass communications and personal. Put Verizon on your horizon.

ROD: (Still screaming) You goat ball lickers! You turd farmers! YOU PUSSY FARTING BASTARDS!!

ADULT- PENN STATE STAND UP

How the fuck are you, tweets? My bad. Word. Word up. Word down. Fellow I Pod people. You Tube… socks. WE ARE PENN STATE! WE AIN’T FUCKIN’ PENN STATE!! Cool man. That’s all the kid speak I know to ingratiate myself, a senior citizen, with you drunken college kids out there.

As you can tell, I’m a senior citizen. Or a seasoned citizen as some say. Personally, I like to be seasoned in a Vodka sauce so all I have to do is lick myself to get drunk.

I’m so old I had to carbon date a girl down by the river, cause she was the only carbon based life form I could find. On our dates we used to go a dinosaur graveyard to watch oil being born.

I can remember when the only mass media around was roadside billboards with warnings like “Watch out for the pterodactyls. They’re feeding today.”

I’m so old that Dick Clark was only middle age when I was a baby.

Medicare Rocks, Mother Fuckers!

I just saw a movie called MIRRORS staring Keifer Sutherland where mirrors were evil and the victims’ reflections killed them. I guess the new trend in horror movies is making benign every day objects EVIL.

I can see a movie called SALT SHAKER where a salt shaker, from the depths of hell, raises its victim’s blood pressure so high, it blows off their head in a blast of blood.

Or BUNNY SLIPPERS where the victim can run but can’t hide in his satanic bunny slippers that encircles his ankles and cuts off his feet. Then he bleeds to death while being thrown off a cliff by Mopsey and Flopsey.

Finally, there’s the ultimate horror flick called SPONGE, where a common household sponge attacks faces and after a series of gasping gurgling sounds suffocates its coed victims, who are exfoliating in the shower.

You know I was just wondering...

Today my wife deleted me as a friend from her Facebook page because I’m too grumpy. Does it make you a bad person, when even your wife doesn’t want you for a friend?

When you buy something that’s guaranteed to pay for itself, then why do YOU have to pay for it?
The media is always talking about senseless murders. Well, what in hell is a sensible murder? Oh pardon me sir, I’m so sorry sir, but you’re double parked. KER BLAM!

Don’t you hate toilet paper that smells better than you do?

Don’t you hate people who blow their nose in a handkerchief, then look at it? What the hell do they expect to see in there – REESE’S PIECES???

Which way is clockwise on a digital watch?

Does opportunity still knock or does it just leave a message on your voice mail? Or is it a SPAM e-mail from Nigeria?

Is it called a doctor’s practice because the doctor just can’t quite get it right? So the doc has to practice all the time.

Why do they call it a lawyer’s brief when lawyers always take forever to do ANYTHING?

Now here’s a few parting words of wisdom from your grand dad, that’s me. When life gives you lemons, take a step back and a deep breath, then, then …tell everyone to go SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

Peace out, Holmes.