CHRISTMAS DOLLS

The Wii and X-Box 360 are two of the hottest toys this Christmas. Video games’ popularity changes however from year to year, but dolls are perennial favorites year after year. New for this Christmas are some dolls for you grown up boys and girls.

There’s the Gov. Rod Blagovich auctioneer doll that sells senate seats, funding for children’s hospitals, his soul and the Governor’s fine china and silverware to the highest bidder.

There’s the President-elect Barrack Obama doll that leans to the left, but turns right with each cabinet selection.

There’s the Brittany Spears’ doll that can’t keep its pants up or its top down.

There’s the George W. Bush doll that just shrugs when asked hard question about his presidency and legacy.

There’s the John McCain doll that spins 180 degrees every time it assumes a new position.

There’s the Sarah Palin doll that turns itself on and can’t stop talking until totally ignored by the Time Passes doll.

There’s the Hillary Clinton doll that won’t take dictation but will give dictation as a Secretary.

There’s the Bill Clinton doll that hits on the Brittany Spears doll, even if she’s on her period. Comes with a cigar and a squeegee.

There’s the Plaxico Burress doll that dances and screams at the sound of gunfire in his sweatpants.

There’s the Big Three Auto Makers’ Dolls that cry, sniffle and wet their pants begging for a Bail Out and a golden parachute for when they bail out.

There’s the Boy George doll that handcuffs his Ken doll to the wall and beats the crap out of it with the leg irons from the George Michael doll.

There’s the Amy Winehouse doll that gets drunk and throws up on her Barbie dolls.

There’s the “Twilight” doll that just sucks.

There’s the Keanu Reeves alien doll that shows the same vacant emotions as the Keanu Reeves action human doll.

Batter up and play doll, this Christmas.

A CHRISTMAS ANGEL FLY BY

My name is Angel, the Christmas Angel. Yeah I know, Angel the angel. I got that a lot in flight school. I’m the angel in charge of Christmas spirit in the northeast quadrant of North America. In fact I’m related to Clarence the angel in It’s A Wonderful Life on my mother’s side. He’s got his wings now and is charge of the Mid East. He’s about ready to quit and bomb everybody himself.
I come down here once a year to instill a little Christmas spirit into the crass commercialism that big business has crammed into your Christmas. How do I do that? Well, I fly around up here looking down on you and… Excuse me a minute. I see something. Gotta go.
Sorry about that, I spotted a lost child, separated from her mother at the Nittany Mall in the crush of the crowd. There was a man watching the little girl way too closely and he was hurrying toward her like a hawk diving on a mouse. I swooped down to turn the mother’s head just in time to see her baby crying next to the Orange Julius stand. She’s hugging her little girl now like she was the best Christmas gift ever. The man disappears into the crowd.
I hate to brag, but I’m the one who puts the bug in the ear of the TV network honchos to run those old Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer Christmas cartoons every year. The toons may be primitive animation, but they’re timeless and touch the child in you baby boomers in your peak earning years for the advertisers. And that’s what Christmas is- timeless, childlike and holy… cow gotta go again.
I’m back now. I was just sunning myself on a cumulus cloud when I noticed an echo empty Salvation Army kettle outside of Wal-Mart. So I flew down there to bump some pockets and jingle some change to remind you shoppers to give to the less fortunate this time of year.
But my best flights are when I soar into your fleeting thoughts and make you curb your tongue, swallow your pride and forgive your family and friends for all the wrongs they did to you this past year. So you can clasp them to your bosom like a too tight t-shirt.
I hover here to remind you that you never know who’ll be around to share your next Christmas with you. Always cherish Christmas with your loved ones like it was your last, because someday it will be. I get estranged sisters talking to each other. I make mad husbands kiss their angry wives under the mistletoe and I even cause children to be considerate of their parents, an even bigger miracle. Niger.
I fill your hearts with the spirit of forgiving and giving. It keeps the shoppers happy and the economy going. It gives children their first puppies, girls their engagement rings and dads bad ties. I help to pick the perfect Christmas tree with your spouse without having to file for divorce. If you don’t hang your stockings by the chimney with care, I re-hang them for you. I find you parking spaces in packed mall parking lots after only 15 minutes of driving up and down looking.
I bring grown children back to their parents, sisters to their brothers and crazy aunts and uncles to your homes for the holidays. I get everyone flying and driving all over the country to return to their roots once a year, no matter how embarrassing that may be to them. I help get you hugs and kisses from your past life by lassoing old loyalties, that then tug at your heart strings and go ping, ping, Cherie.
Look there’s Hank who’s 100. He’s outlived everyone he loves and loved him. He’s sharing the holidays with some wet adult diapers and a nurse’s aid at the home. Do you see that small smile sneaking across his face? He’s five years old and it’s Christmas day with his long dead parents. The turkey is basting and the pies are baking. He and his ghost brothers and sisters are tearing into their presents under the tree. His first dog Princie is licking his face.
Everyone is laughing and so is Hank because he’s having the best Christmas of his life… again. I did this.