How the fuck are you, tweets? My bad. Word. Word up. Word down. Fellow I Pod people. You Tube… socks. WE ARE PENN STATE! WE AIN’T FUCKIN’ PENN STATE!! Cool man. That’s all the kid speak I know to ingratiate myself, a senior citizen, with you drunken college kids out there.
As you can tell, I’m a senior citizen. Or a seasoned citizen as some say. Personally, I like to be seasoned in a Vodka sauce so all I have to do is lick myself to get drunk.
I’m so old I had to carbon date a girl down by the river, cause she was the only carbon based life form I could find. On our dates we used to go a dinosaur graveyard to watch oil being born.
I can remember when the only mass media around was roadside billboards with warnings like “Watch out for the pterodactyls. They’re feeding today.”
I’m so old that Dick Clark was only middle age when I was a baby.
Medicare Rocks, Mother Fuckers!
I just saw a movie called MIRRORS staring Keifer Sutherland where mirrors were evil and the victims’ reflections killed them. I guess the new trend in horror movies is making benign every day objects EVIL.
I can see a movie called SALT SHAKER where a salt shaker, from the depths of hell, raises its victim’s blood pressure so high, it blows off their head in a blast of blood.
Or BUNNY SLIPPERS where the victim can run but can’t hide in his satanic bunny slippers that encircles his ankles and cuts off his feet. Then he bleeds to death while being thrown off a cliff by Mopsey and Flopsey.
Finally, there’s the ultimate horror flick called SPONGE, where a common household sponge attacks faces and after a series of gasping gurgling sounds suffocates its coed victims, who are exfoliating in the shower.
You know I was just wondering...
Today my wife deleted me as a friend from her Facebook page because I’m too grumpy. Does it make you a bad person, when even your wife doesn’t want you for a friend?
When you buy something that’s guaranteed to pay for itself, then why do YOU have to pay for it?
The media is always talking about senseless murders. Well, what in hell is a sensible murder? Oh pardon me sir, I’m so sorry sir, but you’re double parked. KER BLAM!
Don’t you hate toilet paper that smells better than you do?
Don’t you hate people who blow their nose in a handkerchief, then look at it? What the hell do they expect to see in there – REESE’S PIECES???
Which way is clockwise on a digital watch?
Does opportunity still knock or does it just leave a message on your voice mail? Or is it a SPAM e-mail from Nigeria?
Is it called a doctor’s practice because the doctor just can’t quite get it right? So the doc has to practice all the time.
Why do they call it a lawyer’s brief when lawyers always take forever to do ANYTHING?
Now here’s a few parting words of wisdom from your grand dad, that’s me. When life gives you lemons, take a step back and a deep breath, then, then …tell everyone to go SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!
Peace out, Holmes.
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