IF ONLY THIS WERE ALL TRUE

Here are some facts to share and some other things that would be great if true and factual. First the facts, ma’am.
Babies are born without kneecaps. (And some husbands have no spines. You know who you are. Yes dear, I do.)

Butterflies taste with their feet, which is why everything they eat taste like feet and why they stay so slim. I can see the next craze-The South Beach Feet Diet.

Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, yet our cat just whines in one constant high pitch.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. I guess after that shark petting zoo disaster in 1508 at the Moscow Sea World, they just quit trying.

If you’re an average American, in your whole life you’ll spend about 6 months waiting at red lights. And if you’re the average dumb guy, you’ll spend about 3 months waiting at green lights until someone beeps at you to move.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. This is so you don’t see who you’re sneezing on. It’s a legal defense in case you get sued.

No word in the English language rhymes with orange, silver or purple. Hey, hey I got one! My Slurpee is grape purple. If I drink it too fast I’ll slurplee…all over myself. On second thought, I guess that’s still true.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket, not in his hand. It was also the invention of M&Ms that only melt in your mouth.

The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet. Yeah, except 3. Huh! What? Never mind.

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second, unless it’s a woman saying she’ll be ready in a jiffy. Then it’s anywhere from a half hour to half a day, at least.

Women blink twice as much as men and dumb guys wink back thinking they’re flirting.

Here are some things that would be great if they were true and factual. If you play lottery numbers based on your family’s birthdates, you’re bound to win the big one eventually.

The good they do die old. This would sure reduce the burgeoning world population as all us bad dudes checked out early.

Freedom is on the march. Or limping badly in certain designated dictatorships around the world and in Connecticut, where its former governor just went to prison in Pa.

The actual real reason we invaded Iraq was to set up a democratically elected Islamic government that won’t turn radically religious later and hate us like the rest of the Moslems.

That children can run around their neighborhoods free and unafraid of sexual predators and drug gangs, like some of us baby boomers did in the ‘50s and ‘60s. The only warnings we had back then were from our mothers to be on time for supper or else…we’d just eat it later warmed up. My mother never knew where I was most of the summers of my youth and didn’t worry.

That all the fine folks on the Internet just want to be your friend and not crash your computer with worm viruses they send out hourly and that they want to meet you in motels miles away NOT to kill you or worse.

A nice big layer of body fat is not only attractive, but it’s good insulation that’ll keep you warm in the winter, cool in the summer and is doctor recommended.

That, as they say, love is in the air, instead of the usual hatred.

That when people ask you how you are they’re just concerned and don’t really want to get the dirt on you, so they can run you down later to their friends.

And finally, that all the world needs now is love, love, love and not AIDS’ relief, debt forgiveness and a tank full of gas that doesn’t cost an arm, a leg and a liver.