STRAIGHT EYE FOR THE GAY GUY

NBC had a hit show called Queer Eye For The Straight Guy , where well-dressed gay men try to make straight guy slobs fashionable, or, at least, more presentable in public. I’ve only seen the commercial for the show because, frankly, these makeover shows, be they about homes, gardens or people, pique my viewing interest almost as much as watching toenails grow. They bore me to snores.

The media shows that gay men have a style and flair that the average straight guy can never attain, even if he puts his mind to it, which he probably wouldn’t. The gay way of putting together a man’s wardrobe is being held up as the ideal, the epitome of how the sharp dressed 21st century male should appear.

Men should all look like male models on the catwalk when they go to work at the plant or to the ballgame in the park as presented by gay men. Now who died and made them queen? I heard this royal title bestowed on gays by gays at a Gay Pride Parade in New York City once, which is why I crowned them thusly.

But not all straight men aspire to be fashion plates. They’re more dinner plate people. Yes, the gay guys you see on TV have a panache that I know I could never match. However, I did buy a $40 tuxedo at Boscovs once so I could dress up too, but I rarely do.

I just don’t have the interest or energy to coordinate my wardrobe in order to make some sartorial splash somewhere. My daily fashion statement is made by grabbing the first shirt and pants I find in the closet moments before dressing for work or going out.

I give more thought to my cereal choices in the morning than to the attire adorning my spare tire. And I suspect the average straight single guy makes his choice from a clothes pile thrown on the floor. I know I did before I got married. In life I’ve searched longer for the perfect pizza than for the perfect pair of pants, with shoes and shirt to match.

I began wondering about the tragically hip gay man who might love to be less of a slave to fashion, but can’t help himself. The pressure of trying to keep up with the Armanies must be tremendous. Perhaps this gay fellow would like to come out of the closet as a simply dressed straight guy, but doesn’t know how.

That’s why I came up with my Straight Eye for the Gay Guy guidelines here to help. It’s much easier and cheaper dressing up straight. You basically don’t really care what you look like in public and, consequently, not much is ever expected of you.

You have to be willing to wear outside what you would casually wear inside, keeping in mind that there are public lewdness laws that have to be obeyed. This means that nothing really matches or is color coordinated, whatever that means.

I’m white, so does that mean I always have to wear white or red in the summer when I get sunburned, to be color coordinated? I don’t have a clue and that’s often a sure sign of being a straight guy. We never know what we look good in, nor do we really care that much.

Straight guys aren’t overly concerned with cleanliness, unless the bacteria count turns toxic. Beer and pizza stains on sweatshirts just add character. A pizza stain resembling the boot shape of Italy would be accessorizing to a straight guy. Some streaks from changing the oil in your car would not eliminate a shirt from proper evening wear.

Frayed cuffs and shiny seats on your pants just give that treasured lived-in look to your ensemble. Remember when your mama told you to always wear good clean underwear in case you had to go to the hospital suddenly? Not really necessary for the average straight guy. As long as most of your elastic waist band is left, your underwear is fine. A few dozen rips and tears just let the fresh air in. Straight guys are very attached to their heirloom Fruit of the Looms.

Usually the only way the average straight guy dresses well is if his girlfriend or wife, out of total desperation, buys his clothes for him. And they will. But the poor gay guy has only himself to rely on for looking good in the neighborhood. It’s all up to him to be natty.

Hey, if this column helps only one gay man dress inappropriately and sloppily, then my work here is done.