TALKING WITH THE TESTY DEAD

There’s been a lot of media attention about mediums and psychics talking to the dead. There’s James Van Praagh and George Anderson who make a good living talking to the dead with their TV movies and specials.
So I sent my sometime assistant and full time pool boy, Ace Hack, out to contact a cheap psychic to talk to the dead for this column. Ace found Johnny the Hot Dog King and Medium Rare to give him a reading for about 10 bucks and a fast food coupon for free fries. Ace met Johnny at his place of business, a hot dog vendor’s stand on the streets of a minor city. It went like this.
“Johnny, can you find out why Cathy Hammerhead turned me down in ‘73 when I asked her to the senior prom?” Ace inquired. Beep. Beep. Honk.
“When did she die, my son?” Johnny asked in his fake priest psychic voice.
“Hey, I want one with everything.” ordered a customer, as an ambulance wailed.
Ace continued “Oh, she’s not dead yet. I just always wondered why she’d never go out with me. I was thin then and even had hair.”
“They gotta be dead before I try to contact them. If they’re still alive you can call them yourself. That’ll be $2.50, Ace.” Johnny said.
“Where’s the kraut. I wanted everything.” The customer demanded, bringing back his hot dog. Beep. Honk. Wail. Honk.
“The kraut went back to Düsseldorf. I got no kraut.” Johnny brushed him off.
“OK Johnny, contact my Uncle Lou. He died in ’89 trying to race a cop to a doughnut shop. He won, but crashed into it suffocating in the Bavarian cream.”
“Two with mustard and ketchup, my man.” another customer ordered.
“OK, let me get this order first, Ace.’ Johnny said coating the dog with the yin and yang of condiments. Beeeeeppppp! Beeeepppp!
“Here you are, buddy. That’ll be $5.25.” Johnny said taking his money. “Yo, Aunt Sue, get your butt over here, pronto.” Johnny slipped into a trance while making change from a ten.
“No Johnny, no. It’s Uncle Lou, not Aunt Sue.” Ace shouted.
“What do you want? This is Aunt Sue.”
“No Aunt Sue, I didn’t want you.” Ace said quickly.
“I’ve been dead all this time and you don’t want me, you selfish snot.”
“OK, OK how are you, Aunt Sue?” Ace asked as shots rang out.
“How do you think I am, idiot? I’ve been six feet under for 23 years.” Sue said.
“That’s nice, so goodbye, already.” Ace answered over the wail of a cop car’s siren blasting by.
Sue yelped “Wait a minute; you’re not Vinnie’s boy, Tony.”
“No, I’m Tony’s boy, Ace.”
“I could have been your aunt in another life.” Sue sighed wistfully. Screech, bang, crash.
“Is that reincarnation stuff true then?” Ace inquired.
“I don’t know, we’re all waiting for Shirley McClain to get here and tell us.”
“Johnny, can you disconnect Aunt Sue and get my Uncle Lou on the line already.” Ace begged as another police car raced to the recent wreck.
“I’d like two with sauerkraut and onions.” another customer ordered.
“Sure, right. Yo, Uncle Lou come here, pal.” Johnny yelled putting dog in bun.
“Wadda ya want? I got a shuffleboard game going here.” Uncle Lou yelled back.
“Uncle Lou, this is Ace Hack, your brother Tony’s son.” Ace explained.
“Are you the one with the long blond hair and your ex- husband’s name tattooed on your forehead?” Lou asked absentmindedly.
“You will meet your soul mate during clean-up week when you both grab the same piece of crap from someone’s trash.” another voice from beyond wafted in.
“Hey, I ordered kraut and there’s no kraut!” the customer complained.
“It’s our new onion kraut. Isn’t it delicious?” Johnny said covering.
“It is very oniony.” The customer agreed. Beep. Beep.
“Hey, I got another séance to go to.” one of the voices complained.
“I’m outta here like a deer clipped on the highway.” Uncle Lou shouted.
“I’d like a Big Mac with fries. Oh, and super size it, will ya?”
HOONNKK!