TOP 5 ADVANTAGES OF BEING BALD

TOP 5 THINGS YOU DON’T WANT IN YOUR OBITUARY
5. Cheese Gourmet- Only lived to cut the cheese.
4. LA-Z-Boyed himself to death- Discovered a year later by a census taker.
3. Died in solitary confinement writing to Dear Abby about his imaginary friend Helga the Hare
2. Even his dog hated him
1. Never wore a helmet, even going 100 on his Harley
TOP 5 STORIES TOO WILD FOR THE TABLOIDS
5. Britney Spears Marries a Monkey- Making the Horse She’s Divorcing Suicidal
4. Electricity Comes Straight From Satan’s Fingertips- Scientific Study Shows
3. Ancient Egyptians Worshipped Dental Floss
2. Johnny Cash, Spotted in Burnin’ Ring of Fire, Charged with Arson
1. Cognac Cures Cancer- Dr. Gives Courvoisier Jello Shots
TOP 5 ADVANTAGES OF BEING BALD
5. Head lice reduced to nose hairs
4. Can blind the other guy at high noon in a knife fight by bouncing sunlight from your bowed head into his eyes.
3. The savings on combs, brushes and hair cream exceeds the spending on Mop ‘N Glow treatments at beauty salons.
2. Can feel the rain seconds before people with hair or hats.
1. If you ever learn to fly like Superman you’ll be aerodynamic and faster than a speeding bullet train.
TOP 5 WORST CHILDREN’S BOOKS
5. The Grinch Who Stole Labor Day
4. Billy and His Amazing Chain Saw
3. Green Eggs and Hamlet- William Shakespeare XX
2. The Cat in The Rat- New York City’s pop-up kid’s book where the city rats actually eat the town cats.
1. Nuclear Physics, Quantum Electronics and Scooby Doo Too!
TOP 5 DELUSIONS OF MOST MEN
5. That if a super model movie star would only meet you, she would fall for you, even if you’re fat, bald and middle-age. She would if she could.
4. That your wife will love Hooters Restaurant as much as you do.
3. That football season is sacred and your girlfriend will understand that you can’t possibly see her till after the Super Bowl.
2. That you don’t have to bathe regularly to be attractive to women.
1. That your wife will find your friends funny when they run her down in front of you and her.
TOP 5 DVD MOVIES NOT TO ADD TO YOUR COLLECTION
5. Solitaire-The Movie
4. Itchy Athlete’s Foot-The Shower Room Monster
3. The Sound of Muzak- The Ups and Downs of Elevator Music
2. Ping and Pong Have a Ball
1. The Adventures of Actuarial Tables Man
TOP 5 WORST RAPPERS
5. Silly Second Hand Blondes
4. The Yard Sale Rappers
3. Honkin’ Honkies
2. Bambi and Thumper Disney Bling Bling.
1. The Country Club Clappers.